"So Dark The Con Of Man"
Cold. Dark. Why am I so damn cold? I’m so empty I can just feel my insides moving and
shifting about on their own merely staying with the progress from my over active influence. It’s not a good thing when
you can feel you organs moving, working, producing, and keeping you alive. I look around and all I can see is white…just
a lonely white room. Why is this so lonely? Thinking I would be nothing but fine being alone for a while I was rudely awaken
by the fact that lonliness empties my heart…I can just feel the coldness nesting around my body as if trying to stop
me from the shaking I sometimes feel like I do. I don’t understand why I feel this way…I need that energy, that
motivation, that voice to warm me. To make me feel as if I was sitting inside a small room with glowing trickling light only
from a fire producing the utmost warmth imaginable. I could feel my bones tingle at the feeling of the heat caressing my body,
telling me…Eric…I’m here. Instead…my eyes open back up to see that devilish white staring back at
me. My mind has even chosen to stop speaking to me. My vocal chords have chosen a lesser path…extinction. Complete and
virtual silence. Coldness. Numbness. Sadness…the sadness I feel from not having a soul to look upon or listen to. I
just look out at the white blanket covering me as if to tell me…"there’s now way out". I just keep looking out
not knowing up down left or right. My mind becomes weary and suspicious…is this real? Instead of trying to think of
a way to get out I am simply not thinking at all letting my brain lounge in its sea of quietness. I try to conjure up words
or music to fill my soul with some moment of redemption. Instead nothing short of a revelation appears in front of me. My
life. The white. The Silence. The cold…I wait for the epiphany to guide me but my mind has chosen another path. A simple
phrase formulated in my tubed mind…I hate being alone.
Why...why am I here? Why must I endure all of the pain and fear? Was it what was once good now gone? Or was it time for
me to live the life, the wrong?
It stirs my brain my soul my heart, every single day I'm in a play without a part. Nothing I can do, nothing I can control...this
world has taken me for quite a stroll.
Sift through this, I sift through that...I might gain a bit of information, I just don't get that. Flat, the taste of my
life has become, such an indulgence, now comfortably numb.
The power precision and pizazz, if only my life was a soundtrack of jazz. So calm and collected, I'm usually neglected...on
pace I tell you, only one thing, I don't know who is who.
I could live a life of confusion, I could live a life of jealousy but what really urks me is not that, it's this...what
is this? This I cannot explain, that I cannot obtain, from what happened I do not know...will I ever? Truthfully? Hopefully
Am I afraid, do I fear? No, just the things that don't appear. Am I alone am I gone? Yes, but from time to time I'm not
knight or bishop...I'm merely a pawn.
I don't ask for the end, I don't create an end, my life is what it is, for now that is. One more step, one more day...then,
when my time has come...I will go away.
So many things I want in my life. So many things I cannot have. So many things I want to do, so many things impossible
to do. Everyday a new task, a new job, a new day, a new life, a new feeling, a new sight...only one thing...I'm still missing
that one thing.
What is that one thing, I am not quite sure of, but for years my life has been missing whatever it is I need. At times
I felt as if I had finally found what I was looking for, or what I was waiting for...but every single time, I was let down,
in doubt and remembrance of what doesn't work--for the time being, and forever.
Many would say that when you are lookig for something you will never find it. Much like, if you spend too much of your
time looking for that special someone in your life you will never find them...you have to wait for them to find you. I understand
that theory for that sense, right now, I'm not looking for a special someone (even though it'd be nice) but more so a part
of my life is what I'm looking for. Some part of my life has escaped my inner existence. I have not been the same person for
years upon years. I resulted to smoking, drugs, alcohol, and dating around frivelously in hopes of finding that "something"
I'm missing. After two serious relationships and heartache I have come to the conclusion what I'm missing is not a person,
but more so an ideal, a way of life, a way of thinking and reacting.
I react upon instinct and gut feeling. I think based off of values and virtues taught to me by friends and family. My thought
process is continually clouded by states of uncertainty and doubt. Fear and trust refuse to reside on a positive basis within
my soul as I am tired of being used and lied to. I want truth, I want answers, I want reason. Without a reason I will never
understand why. All my questions I answer with reason so I may understand why and get past it. I cannot get past a decision
that has no reason leaving me to wonder why.
Everyday I ponder such an existance I have come to accept. Everyday I look out upon the life I live, a cog in a world of
corruption and glamour. Everyday I walk forward to the Canyon...with my future...on the other side.
It dwells inside me day in and day out. Clouds of uncertainty shadow my eyes from truth without reason. Choices made for
better or for worse. Patterns lived beyond pain and remorse.
Stuttering movements haunted by a shroud of doubt. Failed remembrance fulfilling a pain without fear. Failure completes
its given course. Success and glee, send me back to the source.
But without it all, I become nothing. A molded figure of mankind boiling over any mundane world I step into. Failing to
comply with any patition for certainty. My questions all pertinent, however seemingly irrelevant. Follow my trail of bashfulness
and fear, it's just our time, but your time to fear. I only want to get back to the world and the existance I once knew...but
only never do shall I run again, without you.
Bold faces, movements, stands...old places, governments, lands. Die in disbelief, live in regret. Far from you, I did not
forget. Once again, twice more, third times a charm, or four...no more. Confusion sets in, pain rips my insides, doubt clouds
my life, failure deems me unworthy, THE FAILED ATTEMPT TO CONCLUDE MY DESIRES, THE DESIRES OF MY NEEDS FAILED TO ATTEMPT THEMSELVES,
BUT...but, but...I have not failed...to attempt, and conclude.
The Coincidence of Correlation
Let me make it well known that I am NOT an America hater nor do I hate the land in which I reside on. I am merely a person
with an opinion with the gift of "Freedom of Speech". In fact I thoroughly appreciate my country...this story is only for
good fun and to point out the coincidence that happened between the National Football League and America.
America. Land of the Free. Yes, we are a "free" country. We do enjoy our other freedoms that most countries do not have.
We however are not a perfect country. We have our flaws just like any other country. Most of us live in this country with
great pride and dedication to it's tradition. Our country went through bloody wars to petty wars. We also experienced a tragedy
known as 9-11-01. I will not repeat the events as the media has completely over done the whole situation. If you wish to refresh
your memory or for some reason you were hibernating the past 3 years...I am sure the internet can fill you up with bullshit,
and correct information.
Football. The one sport in which America can successfully and efficiently dominate no matter what. Yeah, it is an American
sport in which not very many countries have picked up but it is growing with the advances of NFL Europe and the Canadian Football
League. Do remember though...the pros (NFL) send their not so good players to those organizations. NONE THE LESS! It is growing.
Football is such a sport that fans go out of their way to enjoy a game. From waving little white towels to wearing spiked
shoulder pads, face paint, halloween masks, and talking "smack" to the opposing team. That's just at the tailgate party too.
The reason I speak of these two "Americanized" things is the correlation they have. The correlation they have...in the
past 3 Super Bowls.
We all know it takes skill, dedication, consistency, pride, and heart to make it to the Super Bowl. I would just like to
bring up an interesting fact here and elaborate upon them.
In 2001, like I had said before, we experienced a terrible tragedy...9-11. America was being ripped apart by two commercial
airliners "ramming" or flying into The Twin Towers. America fought to put an end to terrorism. For the 2001 Season...The PATRIOTS
and The RAMS were in the Super Bowl(took place in 2002). Interesting...I guess.
In 2003, America went to war against Iraq to put an end to the Saddam Hussein era and "try" and slip in a government for
the people. America was 50/50 for and against the war. Thousands upon thousands of people rallied and marched against the
war as if we were back in Vietnam...For the 2003 season The PATRIOTS and The PANTHERS were in the Super Bowl(took place in
2001- Patriots make it to the Super Bowl the same year America had an attempt to destroy it. Planes were being rammed or
flown into, your choice of wording of course, througout the New England area. Funny...New England Patriots. Anyways, victorious
the Pats were. Winning the Super Bowl on a last ditch attempt on a field goal by Adam Vineteiri with no time left. Bye bye
Rams...yeah PATRIOTS! Okay, so the Patriots did rather well I'll admit that. The Rams were by far the better team though.
They nearly dominated the NFL that season and the cinderella story for Kurt Warner was kind of nerdy but interesting.
2002- America is now relatively low key. The Buccaneers and The Raiders are in the Super Bowl. Raiders had the best offense
seen in many many years while the Bucs came through with a smash mouth defense. The game was more of a stale mate until the
Bucs pulled away quickly as the Raiders began to play catch up, but never caught up. The Buccaneers were victorious. Mind
you both of these teams have a mascot that of a PIRATE. A rebel, renegade, destroyer, and killers. Pirates were mad men and
well, that's just that. I wanted the Raiders to win...oh well.
2003- Shit just hit the fan. Both the "renegade / rebel / pirate" teams flopped. The Raiders went 4-12 and fired their
coach, where The Bucs went 7-9. We went to war that year. No need for rebels to win the Super Bowl. On come the Patiots and
the Panthers. Yet again, the Patriots come out victorious on a last ditch attempt field goal by none other than Adam Vineteiri.
The Panthers were the better team. Not necessarily by far, but they were better. Jake Delhomme had himself a cinderella story
The interesting thing about 2001 and 2003--
-Ricky Proehl caught the game tying touchdown for The Rams in the 2002 Super Bowl and for The Panthers in the 2003 Super
-Adam Vineteiri kicked the game winning field goal with at least 7 seconds left in BOTH the 2002 and 2004 Super Bowl.
-Jake Delhomme(QB) and Kurt Warner(QB) both played in the NFL Europe as no names until they hit the NFL and rocked the
-2002 and 2004 Super Bowls were played indoors(maybe signifying...safety?)
-The Rams. You could...could...say that the commercial airliners "rammed" into the Twin Towers, Pentagon, and Pennsylvania.
-The Panthers. Their logo is a BLACK panther. The same group that opposed the war in Vietnam.
Like I said before. This is not a "American Bashing" type of text. Nor do I really hate the Pats even though they screwed
us (Raiders) in the 2001 AFC Championship game. By the way, Adam Vineteiri kicked the winning field goal in that game too.